Log in

19 August 2013 @ 12:50 pm
and i thought i was having a hard time coping before  
I have been having a hard time with a lot of things for a while, and now I'm going through the shittiest thing I've ever dealt with: the death of my brother.

I was unhappy with things before. Most of the work I did to loose weight fell apart completely around the time we moved. Now I feel unhealthy and defeated. I am coming into my mid 30s and i've been single for longer than I ever have been in life. I've had some interesting runs with a couple women, but I haven't been able to find a real connection.

We had a rough move in with our new place, that I found to be very stressful and has made me a bit paranoid. Recently we were broken into and that sure didn't help.

I have a lot of friends, a lot of great friends, but I feel like things are drifting. Many of them are getting married, popping out kids, etc etc. Or they are busy, or I am busy. I would like to say I do what I can to maintain a social life, but even just half the time I'm invited to something I just flat out don't want to go because.... because.... well shit i don't know. Am I tired from having a real job that I work a lot of overtime for? Do I not have time? Am I lazier? Or do I just not care anymore? I know I still love a good party.... something in that area is falling apart and I don't know what.

My roommate and I have a really nice but strange relationship. We are very close, and have a great living relationship. We hang out all the time and have a relationship that is somewhat akin to a marriage a lot of the time. I think she feels this makes it harder for her to date, and I don't think about it much but I wonder if that's true, both for her and me. The annoying thing about this is I actually think we could have a damn good relationship if we could figure out how to make that transition without being retarded, but previous steps in that direction show that we haven't figured that out. If it happened it would have to be a natural thing I guess, but I have no idea what the odds are of that happening. Maybe zero, maybe it's inevitable, I have no idea. Really I try not to think about it much these days, but it was stressing me out a few months ago.

As far as actual dating goes, going back to an earlier point, I have been on a few dates with people I've met online. One went well, others not as much, but then the girl who I hit it off with is into a lifestyle I can't get into. Also, she seemed to freak out about something when we were planning on going out again and we never went out again. She asked me out again last week, but once shit went down with Jeff I forgot all about it. I had a few people show some interest right before we got robbed, which I ended up putting things off for. After talking to some of the people who've messaged me and explaining (in not so much detail) that shit has gone down and I had just backed away from dating, all of this happened. Obviously I'm in no shape to take anyone out now since all the time I'm feeling torn between complete numbness, a constant urge to scream, and the feeling that I am right on the verge of tears at any moment.

Jeff. What the fuck do I say about this? I realize right at this moment that I sat down and wrote this with with the sole intention of talking about what happened to Jeff, my brother, and I've just danced around it talking about everything else. Now that I'm finally getting to the heart of the matter I don't know what to say about it. Jeff died from an overdose. Most likely an accident. It fucking sucks. He was just finally trying to put his shit together.
I want to write more about this, but I don't know that I can. It hurts, it sucks, it's just completely miserable. He was better than this.

I feel like I'm going through this alone. My family is heavily focused on my mom's grief, because she is obviously completely shattered. My mom wants to be there for me, and is trying to, but, again, she's shattered. I have some friends that honestly want to help, but don't know what to do. But really, most of them don't. Everyone is happy to offer their condolences on facebook, and will tell you that you can come to them for anything but it's mostly just words. I'm trying not to rely too much on my roommate, but she's the closest person to me right now. We already have a complicated relationship and I don't want to add to that. But goddamnit, I need SOMEONE.

I need human comfort and I don't have it. I'm as alone as I've ever been, and it's ironic because there are people around. But with my family I'm overshadowed, with my friends there are barriers. I desperately need arms to lay in, a hand to hold and someone to say I'll be OK someday. I don't even mean a girlfriend or lover, just anyone.

I've barely even written music in the past 2 years, and that in itself makes me feel dead inside.

As it stands now I'm falling apart. I see no hope for a future. I thought I had support, and maybe I do but it doesn't seem to be enough and I don't actually feel like I'm asking for much. I feel awful. I miss my brother. I feel like burden on some of the people closest to me and invisible to others. I don't want to do some cliche "it should have been me" bullshit, but in some ways I wish it had been. Suicidal would be an overly strong way of putting it. I have no intention to harm myself, but right now I don't think I'd be too upset to get hit by a truck. I mean, I wouldn't know, cuz I'd be dead, but you get my point. There should be someone there, but there isn't. I'm dealing with this alone and I wasn't even happy with myself or my life before. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where my brother went wrong. But things are really fucked up and I feel crushed and completely alone.

Fuck this....