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and i thought i was having a hard time coping before

I have been having a hard time with a lot of things for a while, and now I'm going through the shittiest thing I've ever dealt with: the death of my brother.

I was unhappy with things before. Most of the work I did to loose weight fell apart completely around the time we moved. Now I feel unhealthy and defeated. I am coming into my mid 30s and i've been single for longer than I ever have been in life. I've had some interesting runs with a couple women, but I haven't been able to find a real connection.

We had a rough move in with our new place, that I found to be very stressful and has made me a bit paranoid. Recently we were broken into and that sure didn't help.

I have a lot of friends, a lot of great friends, but I feel like things are drifting. Many of them are getting married, popping out kids, etc etc. Or they are busy, or I am busy. I would like to say I do what I can to maintain a social life, but even just half the time I'm invited to something I just flat out don't want to go because.... because.... well shit i don't know. Am I tired from having a real job that I work a lot of overtime for? Do I not have time? Am I lazier? Or do I just not care anymore? I know I still love a good party.... something in that area is falling apart and I don't know what.

My roommate and I have a really nice but strange relationship. We are very close, and have a great living relationship. We hang out all the time and have a relationship that is somewhat akin to a marriage a lot of the time. I think she feels this makes it harder for her to date, and I don't think about it much but I wonder if that's true, both for her and me. The annoying thing about this is I actually think we could have a damn good relationship if we could figure out how to make that transition without being retarded, but previous steps in that direction show that we haven't figured that out. If it happened it would have to be a natural thing I guess, but I have no idea what the odds are of that happening. Maybe zero, maybe it's inevitable, I have no idea. Really I try not to think about it much these days, but it was stressing me out a few months ago.

As far as actual dating goes, going back to an earlier point, I have been on a few dates with people I've met online. One went well, others not as much, but then the girl who I hit it off with is into a lifestyle I can't get into. Also, she seemed to freak out about something when we were planning on going out again and we never went out again. She asked me out again last week, but once shit went down with Jeff I forgot all about it. I had a few people show some interest right before we got robbed, which I ended up putting things off for. After talking to some of the people who've messaged me and explaining (in not so much detail) that shit has gone down and I had just backed away from dating, all of this happened. Obviously I'm in no shape to take anyone out now since all the time I'm feeling torn between complete numbness, a constant urge to scream, and the feeling that I am right on the verge of tears at any moment.

Jeff. What the fuck do I say about this? I realize right at this moment that I sat down and wrote this with with the sole intention of talking about what happened to Jeff, my brother, and I've just danced around it talking about everything else. Now that I'm finally getting to the heart of the matter I don't know what to say about it. Jeff died from an overdose. Most likely an accident. It fucking sucks. He was just finally trying to put his shit together.
I want to write more about this, but I don't know that I can. It hurts, it sucks, it's just completely miserable. He was better than this.

I feel like I'm going through this alone. My family is heavily focused on my mom's grief, because she is obviously completely shattered. My mom wants to be there for me, and is trying to, but, again, she's shattered. I have some friends that honestly want to help, but don't know what to do. But really, most of them don't. Everyone is happy to offer their condolences on facebook, and will tell you that you can come to them for anything but it's mostly just words. I'm trying not to rely too much on my roommate, but she's the closest person to me right now. We already have a complicated relationship and I don't want to add to that. But goddamnit, I need SOMEONE.

I need human comfort and I don't have it. I'm as alone as I've ever been, and it's ironic because there are people around. But with my family I'm overshadowed, with my friends there are barriers. I desperately need arms to lay in, a hand to hold and someone to say I'll be OK someday. I don't even mean a girlfriend or lover, just anyone.

I've barely even written music in the past 2 years, and that in itself makes me feel dead inside.

As it stands now I'm falling apart. I see no hope for a future. I thought I had support, and maybe I do but it doesn't seem to be enough and I don't actually feel like I'm asking for much. I feel awful. I miss my brother. I feel like burden on some of the people closest to me and invisible to others. I don't want to do some cliche "it should have been me" bullshit, but in some ways I wish it had been. Suicidal would be an overly strong way of putting it. I have no intention to harm myself, but right now I don't think I'd be too upset to get hit by a truck. I mean, I wouldn't know, cuz I'd be dead, but you get my point. There should be someone there, but there isn't. I'm dealing with this alone and I wasn't even happy with myself or my life before. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where my brother went wrong. But things are really fucked up and I feel crushed and completely alone.

Fuck this....
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Western Legion: Pacific Mortem Eternal

I feel like writing a bit about the newest bit of music I'm about to unleash, and figured, what better way than my bi-annual return to posting to LJ?

So first a bit of history, and the whole point of doing this particular musical project.

I love black metal. I really do. But a lot of the time I find myself rather disgusted with it. Most of my favorite black metal bands consist of people that I would find absolutely reprehensible in real life. I got into it with Emperor, who's drummer went to prison for killing a gay man. I love dissection, who's singer committed suicide in a satanic ritual. I'm ashamed at how much I like Burzum, given the fact that Varg is a white supremacist and murderer. My absolute favorite is Mayhem, who once had a singer kill himself. The guitarist of course took pictures of the corpse before the cops got there and that became the cover to an "unofficial" bootleg. That guitarist was later murdered. All of these people, by the way were involved in a string of church burnings and grave desecrations. There's also a hugely nationalistic, even jingoistic attitude in most black metal. "True Norwegian Black Metal!" "True Swedish Black Metal!" etc.

Now, black metal has grown to be one of the top forms of metal over the years, and is now often made by completely rational, sane and well adjusted people. Of course plenty of black metalers are still very problematic but you know. If any of the 2 people reading this are interested in knowing more about the ridiculous history of black metal I suggest the book Lords of Chaos or the documentary "Until the Light Takes Us".

Point being, as much as I love black metal, as much as it absolutely speaks to the parts of me that are angry and hateful, parts that I don't like to exhibit much but still definitely reside in me (and everyone, of course), I just have a hard time taking it overly seriously. So, I have a tendency to want to very lovingly poke fun at it. So of course, I came up with the idea of doing "HELLA TRUE CALIFORNIAN BLACK METAL!". Originally this band was gong to consist of myself on vocals, Mahon on guitars, john on keys, Christa on lame female vocals, and Nate on guitars. We hadn't found a drummer yet. The original name for the band was Excrutiator.

Now, just what is Hella True Black Metal? Well it's black metal, but with a californian twist. The sound is black metal for sure, but the lyrics parody black metal lyrics, as well as poking fun at certain aspects and real and imagined stereotypes of californians. we touch on surfing with the devil, destroying santa cruz with an army of demons, the shady business practices of a satanic pornographer from LA, etc. All of it woven with a satanic theme that just adds to the re-goddamn-diculousness of the lyrics.

Over time, just because I couldn't really get other people to do stuff it just became myself on vox/bass/drum programing and keys, and Mahon on guitars. We recorded most of 3 songs a year or two ago, and sort of kept talking about doing Excrutiator, but other things got in the way of our little joke side project and we never really finished solidifying that.

And now, today:

A few weeks ago Jess and I got robbed. Video game stuff, musical gear, cameras, random things and a whole fucking paycheck from Jess. All in all it's costing us a shit-ton of money. The worst part is that we had to cancel our Burning Man trip. There have been other things lately that have been bothering me, but this really pissed me off. This whole thing of not feeling like there's anything I can do, feeling invaded and violated, and not being able to play video games (which is something I usually do when life gets shitty) has really just set me on edge. So I decided it was time to visit that part of me that hates, the part of me that is angry and work some of this out. And of course, when I work things out I still have a natural tendancy towards humor. This means it's a perfect time to get back to Excrutiator..... except the name Excrutiator is already taken by a thrash band in portland. So we changed it to Western Legion, which I think is funnier but in a more subtle way. I think if you listen to black metal you'll get the humor even though it's vague. But legion is funny since there's 2 of us. But I will admit, Excrutiator is an openly ridiculous name that I thought was very funny. The fact that there's a serious band who named themselves that is hilarious.

The point is, we went back and finished what we'd been working on before, and recorded a few new tracks... enough for an EP!
So here is the basic information on the EP, which will be released VERY SOON!

Western Legion
Pacific Mortem Eternal

1. Where the Sun Dies
2. Red Tides Upon the Boardwalk
3. Blasphemous Beach Party
4. Starlets and Harlots
5. The Majesty of Smog Ridden Skies
6. Hang 666

Necrodæmon: vocals, bass, drums and keys
Masochisticator: guitar and more guitar

All lyrics and production by Necrodæmon
All music by Western Legion
Recorded in Non-Existent Studios, SF Bay Area, California.

Just in case you were wondering, I'm Necrodæmon and Mahon is Masochisticator
Collapse )

And yes, for those of you who know black metal, we did go for a necro sound. not so necro as to be unlistenable, but don't expect good production.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, necro = a production style common in black metal where the production is VERY raw, often aspiring to be purposefully bad. This is done as a rebellion to the slick high value production of mainstream music.

So the actual recording is done. We're just getting some pictures and art together and then we'll be releasing it. I expect it'll be primarily an online release with a name your own price system. We suggest $6.66 or $666. We may also do a limited CD run. I'm not sure if these will be hand burned or manufactured. We shall see.

Anyway, keep an eye out! It should be out within the next few weeks and it'll be a fun record. 
Link and Minda


On Saturday I found that a good friend had been taken from me.
When I found out I was in the middle of what turned out to be a very long shoot, so I had to try and tuck it away as much as I could. Yesterday, I slept. I slept all day and night. Partly because of grief, but partly because I had just worked from noon on Saturday to 9 am on Sunday. Now I'm awake, no longer trying to suppress it so I can make it thought a job, and now it's all really starting to hit me.

I've seen some people say they're not totally surprised, and I guess I can see why, but I am. I'm surprised and heartbroken and horrified. Katie's end was a violent one, and I can't even fathom the idea of anyone hurting, let alone killing her. I'm trying hard not to imagine her final moments because it's too much. When her mom was telling me what happened I'm not sure if she actually told me the exact cause of death because after the words "boyfriend came up behind her" everything just went gray and fuzzy.
I'm so full of hurt and rage right now that I can't really see straight. It bothers me in such a strange way to know that I was trying so hard to get a hold of her over the last few days, and she might have already been gone.

I've been listening to her old band, Left on Calliope. I was trying to find them on youtube, since I seem to remember some of their songs being posted there. I wanted to post a song on facebook. There was a pretty long period of time, i think over a year, where damn near every show Tesseract7 did had LOC going on before us. I enjoyed the band, liked hanging out with James, and loved the hell out of Katie so every time we played and there was an open slot I'd make sure they got on. It was, without a doubt, the most fun period of time I've ever had as a musician. As recently as last year I was poking at her to do more music or reunite with James so I could get those days going again. A futile task, i knew, and one i was mostly joking about, but it would have been so cool. I have a bunch of pictures of them playing, and a limited selection of pics of us all hanging out. The picture above is from before or after a really terrible show at Kimo's.

I'm pretty bummed about all the things we talked about that never happened. As recently as a month or two ago we were talking about getting together to record some goofy synth pop music or something. She really wanted to do that, but in her very unique Katie way, really wanting to do something in no way implied it was going to happen. She had withdrawn a bit for the last few months, but it wasn't something I thought about because it was just how Katie was. She'd be my best bud for 9 months, then disappear for 3. She and I would go clubbing every week for a year, and suddenly not speak for 4 months. she would withdraw, and become a hermit, or hang with a different group of friends exclusively for a while, then she'd be back. so i thought nothing of it. the shit thing is, about last week i had decided it was time to kick it again. so i started calling and texting her again a few days ago with no response. When I spoke to her mom, they weren't sure what day Katie had actually died on, so I don't know if she was alive at any point that I was trying to get a hold of her. She'd been trying really hard to get me to go work with her at Rasputin's for a long time, but having a degree and all I figured I was too good for retail. So I turned in the resume and did very little to follow through. Now I wish I had. hindsight is always 20/20... or in the case of extreme grief it could be 20/20 or it could be a complete mess. I have no idea. I just wish I had that time with her. I figured she'd never find a place in the world, but she'd always have a place across a table from, or on a barstool beside me, or in front of me on the dance floor.

I remember holding hands with her every time we drove to the city. We were never actually romantically involved, though it did come up in a few conversations. but we never dated or anything. however we always held hands in the car. It was sort of a weird Katie/Glenn quirk. We both found it comforting I guess.

There are so many stories about her that I tell on a regular basis. Pushing her home in a swivel chair when she was too drunk to walk, the Tom Cruise incident, her showing up to a gig with make up made to look like she's been beaten up because "it was metal', her band making the audience think that they were going to play Rock You Like A Hurricane, but really playing All That She Wants... the list goes on. In more recent days we didn't have as many crazy incidents, but generally just did normal things together. Went out for drinks, or lunch, or just hung out in my front yard smelling the jasmine and talking.

I'll miss our talks so much. She could go on for hours and hours. I think that she could really talk to anyone forever and that was something I loved because I can do the same thing.

I know that Katie had massive problems. She never felt comfortable in her own skin, her obsession with being a foreigner obviously stemming from being adopted, her lack of discrimination in who she allowed into her life and her overall self destructiveness. But from my perspective, the great thing about Katie was no matter how massive her issues were they were never the first thing I thought of when I thought of her. I thought of all the really great times we had together. Nights of drunken debauchery, long conversations on anything great or small, so many club nights, writing songs about lesbian affairs with germen girls, hanging out after shows.... everything. Her smile was amazing and she had such a sunny disposition so much of the time we were together. I saw the darker sides, and her destructive side and all that, but when we were together those things were so rarely at the forefront. We were affectionate and sweet with each other all the time. There was never drama, though I know she had it with others. A little while ago she gave me the nickname "Good Time Glenn" because she always knew we could just go out and have fun together with no bullshit. And that was something I loved about her, the fact that no matter what was going on with us as individuals we never had that bullshit between us.

Katie and I were always close and I love her dearly. I'm so hurt and angry that she's gone. She was so vibrant and wonderful and brought so much fun and joy to my life.
The world, and my life, are both truly darker and lousier places today. I'm so fucking devistated. I miss her so much.

Rest In Peace, Katie.
You deserve it. Whatever happens after death, I hope someday I see you again.
I'll always miss holding your hand.

goodbye, 5000
  • Current Music
    Left On Calliope - Bend The Hands
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this is the journal of Reverend Glenn Grubbs.
i'm currently a member of Tesseract7.
i pretty much am Image And Nation.

if you found this journal because you were looking for one of those just go the the links above.

i have in the past been a member of The Fiery Hellhounds, Blodhelm, The Necronomicommies, The Deficates, Voight-Kamff, and Spuck.

if you're here for some random reason that i don't know about, i'm sorry. my journal is now friends only. the only public posts i shall be making from now on are going to be announcements regarding Tesseract7 and Image And Nation. those posts will be removed after a certain perod of time. though i may leave things like videos up.

if you would like to be my friend please go ahead and add me, but also leave a comment here as to who you are and why you want to be my friend.
i will let you know one way or the ohter. most likely i'll just be your friend. i'm social and all that stuff.

i don't know why i want this to be friends only now. mostly i guess because i no longer want to share my personal life with everyone.... just those who give a crap. i also hate it whan people leave me anon comments. good or bad it's obnoxious.

so, thanks for stopping by stranger!
if you are a stranger.......

Image And Nation

image and nation video

well, i finally have some footage from the show... and the rehearsal to show you.

recorded at the rehearsal the day before.

the camera at the show was broken. but the rehearsal footage was better. however, because most people weren't in costume and it was a rehearsal which meant starts and stops, and we were missing a singer, there was only this one song that really looked similar to how it looked at the show.

recorded at the show 02-02-08

this was probably the best video from the night (ugh). fortunately it's also my favorite song from the night. it's still strange to hear 3 different singers on this song instead of 1 overdubbed a bunch of times. but i love how it came out. i also love my big close up as i'm fading the bass out. camera man, you rule!

projection video from the show

this was the projection video for the song. no usable footage of this song from the show exists. but that's ok because the projection was the bulk of the visuals for this song. i spent months edditing together all the video i used in the show and almost none of it came out usable in the video of the show.
the thing that pissed me off about the camera man was that this show was designed as a whole, and he never treated it as such. most of the time he focused on me and the singers, ignoring the dancers and all the videos. the only time i really see the dancers in the video from the night is when me and the singers aren't out there.
that and the fact that the camera was broken so it took me months to extract a vhs quality image out of the thing.

so, this is pretty much all the best i could do as far as footage of the show goes. it doesn't do it justice, but for those that weren't there this may give you an idea of what we did.